I've done a lot of hard (that's what she said) thinking on this subject, and through careful investigations of the evidence which has been presented before us all these years; I have come up with a thorough and truth-filled examination of Lars Ulrich and his true purpose. A few weeks ago, I had come across a picture of Metallica in their early years, in which they had just come out of a shower. Yes. Gay. In the picture was Mr. Ulrich himself, exposing his penis by opening his bathrobe. What were we treated to? Nothing but a little knob resembling somebody's thumb, or a bottle cap... You know, something very small, and stubby (and not to mention useless).
In 2003 when Metallica debuted their extreme shit-fest ST. ANGER, it was met with nothing but criticism and terrible sales. Mainly because of the fact that Lars had physically uninvented the drum set (and apparently the penis, too), or moreover, the SNARE itself by pretty much taking out all the fucking screws and never tuning properly.
After the clusterfuck shitstorm that was St. Anger had faded from this planet, and our minds, the band released another album in 2009 entitled DEATH MAGNETIC. Expectations were high. And then the drums kicked in. Once again, Mr. Nulldick didn't tune his snare and it made the entire album sound like a brutal genocide of garbage cans.
Then it hit me...The way Lars hits the snare. And it all came together wonderfully.
Take a look at the cover for S(hit)t. Anger. Now look at the cover of Death Fagnetic.
In 2003 when Metallica debuted their extreme shit-fest ST. ANGER, it was met with nothing but criticism and terrible sales. Mainly because of the fact that Lars had physically uninvented the drum set (and apparently the penis, too), or moreover, the SNARE itself by pretty much taking out all the fucking screws and never tuning properly.
After the clusterfuck shitstorm that was St. Anger had faded from this planet, and our minds, the band released another album in 2009 entitled DEATH MAGNETIC. Expectations were high. And then the drums kicked in. Once again, Mr. Nulldick didn't tune his snare and it made the entire album sound like a brutal genocide of garbage cans.
Then it hit me...The way Lars hits the snare. And it all came together wonderfully.
Take a look at the cover for S(hit)t. Anger. Now look at the cover of Death Fagnetic.
St. Anger has a picture of an enraged fist on it (or possibly blood covered?). Death Magnetic is (apparently) a coffin. But we can all see the truth... It's a gaping hairy VAG! And it all revolves around that one picture of Lars exposing his (man?) hood in front of the camera. For years he's been getting shit tossed his way for having a small dick, therefore he sets out on a mission to prove he can still display his manliness.
Case in point, the loud obnoxious un-tuned, loose snare.
You see, Death Magnetic is really a continuation of St. Anger, whereas the pictures go hand in hand. (Or in this matter, hand in Vag!)
Lars Ulrich bangs on the snare at an obnoxious rate to get your attention. Why? So you can know that no matter his dick size, he still FISTS PUSSY!!!
Best of luck to you, Lars. Or should Say... Best of fuck!
Case in point, the loud obnoxious un-tuned, loose snare.
You see, Death Magnetic is really a continuation of St. Anger, whereas the pictures go hand in hand. (Or in this matter, hand in Vag!)
Lars Ulrich bangs on the snare at an obnoxious rate to get your attention. Why? So you can know that no matter his dick size, he still FISTS PUSSY!!!
Best of luck to you, Lars. Or should Say... Best of fuck!
-©2009 Shittefrost
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